Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
