she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
