A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
BRING THE BAGELS
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
