What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
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Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
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I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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