party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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