just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
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