Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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