it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
