when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
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The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
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Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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