Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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