I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
