I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
