Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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