for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
