im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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