I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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