Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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