at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
