There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
