I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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