Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
