What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
