i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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