my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
