why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
