I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
