and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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