my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
