I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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