I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
