I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I need to sanitize my soul.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
