Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
