I'm so fucking centered right now
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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