just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
