Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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