my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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