i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
