who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
