I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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