A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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