I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
