Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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