If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
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