its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
