i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
