In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
