***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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