what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
