i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
operation have a gay friend backfired
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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