Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
