mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
