My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
