omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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