the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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