So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
