I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She swung at the pinata with crutches
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
