don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
