So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
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he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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