Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
