im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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